Thursday, 9 April 2020

Rule 28: Not to be sniffed at

Living in the unprecedented time of the coronavirus requires unprecedented rules when it comes to observing and controlling lycralists.  This emergency legislation is passed with immediate affect.  Cyclists must be observed while out  at all times and we must not be complacent.  The following must be reported to the CCB without exception.

  • People while out exercising, we have now noted, exhale nasal discharge on a regular basis.  This is lovingly referred to as the "snot rocket".  This is true of jobbers, as well as cyclists, but no one is interested in hearing about them
  • While the Government has - bizarrely and without good reason! - stated cycling is "acceptable" as a form of exercise, further interpretation of the law is allowed if not encouraged.  That is to say cycling should be limited to any parameter you see fit.  Examples include not more than an hour, not more than 30 minutes, must be local, must not leave your street, cannot be more than 20 minutes from your house, and shouldn't cycle at all in case they have an accident.
  • As KOCs cannot meet, neither can cyclists.  Therefore it should be reported if you see more than one cyclist together.  You do not need to establish if they are from the same household or are in fact cycling together, the statement that you saw a group of cyclists is enough.
  • If it comes up a group of cyclists could be in the same household, please provide the stock answer of "they were all men in their 40s" to put this false claim to bed.
This rule will remain in place until The Cranlinati decide it is safe to relax such restrictions.  The next review of this law is scheduled for May, 2034.

Thursday, 16 January 2020

Rule 27: Goldilocks and the three abreast

The Keepers of Cranleigh have an obligation to point out exactly what is wrong with cyclists; that's a given.  The advice can / should cover a complete range of complaints to ensure there is no doubt how annoying they are and therefore follow the "Goldilocks Rule".  I.e. a cyclist may be travelling too slow and too fast at the same time but NEVER at a speed that is just right.
Other examples can include;
  • Lights that are impossible to be seen yet too blinky and be blinding
  • Cyclists can be seen on the pavement but also on the road and not on the pavement
It is also important to point out that any KOC may, when delayed by a cyclist on their journey, stop and spend time informing the cyclist of these facts.

Thursday, 10 January 2019

Rule 26: 8 out of 10 (repair) kits

In truth there is only one statistic we need; "they're all twats" (Rule 1), i.e. 100% of cyclists.  That is however not always sufficient when stating our case under the spotlight of social media.  What we need is statistics on our side.

These statistics need not have any scientific basis or be supported by any research.  They only need to a) sound about right and b) overwhelmingly support the theory that cyclists are the menace they clearly are.

Such examples seen on the CCB; "8 out of 10 cyclists don't use the cycle path" and "2 out of 3 cyclists jump the red lights".

Statistics are in no way to be restricted to just cyclists but also other road users to support our cause, a notable contribution being "only 1 in 1,000 cars jump the lights".  Thus firmly placing the spotlight on our lycra enemy.

Tuesday, 2 October 2018

Rule 25: Non-cyclists First

The path to lycra-free roads is a long one and should not be taken lightly.  Therefore while we spend time addressing key issues such as Market Day and preventing closed road events we need reminding of why this is so important.  Therefore, we need videos posted of cyclists behaving badly - or as we say, normally - regardless of the context or when it where it happened.

This is exactly the kind of activity that Donald Trump admired when he retweeted similar posts from an online "focus group" and therefore should play a key part of any local village community page. 

If it is good enough for Donald Trump it is good enough for us.  LET'S MAKE CRANLEIGH GREAT AGAIN!

Tuesday, 25 September 2018

Rule 24: Go play somewhere else

Cyclists on our roads a full of all the threat indicated in the previous rules; and it is not enough to simply complain about them in the hope that they see the errors of their way.  No.  We must suggest alternatives.

The default position should always be "why can't they go and cycle in a field".  Completely impractical with their silly thin tyres - can you imagine!? - so it should keep them out of trouble for a while.  Other suggestions may arise in your local area.  Dunsfold Aerodrome is an acceptable choice, as is Goodwood Circuit, especially when debating events such as the Velo South (see rule 22).

All suggestions are good suggestions, as long as it keeps them off the roads and away from Market Day.

Monday, 17 September 2018

Rule 23: Back in black

Rule 14 established that cyclists should be made to wear hi-viz (amongst other things), but this rule is dedicated to the growing trend of wearing black or dark lycra. 

The basis being it acts as some form of magic cloak, making them incredibly hard to see.  I mean, how do expect us to rock out a drum solo to Phil Collins on the steering wheel AND pay enough attention to spot these camouflaged pedallers.

If they are wearing a black shirt, that is enough to warrent use of this rule.  Any attempt for the cyclist to be more visible (lights, reflectors, hi-viz helmet / shoes etc.) should be disregarded.

Wednesday, 5 September 2018

Rule 22: The Velo

This rule applies to the type of event that allows the privileged-lycracist Surely this is just Rule 8, I hear you say.  No. It is so much more than that; it is Rule 8 turned up to 11. 
For starters, this requires a separate group to ensure we remain focused and not distracted by other issues (such as providing recommendations for a plumber or telling people what time Sainsbury's closes). 

The group should remain closed to prying eyes to ensure and use of Rule 2 can be done so without challenge. 

The justification for not wanting the Velo should, externally, be along the following lines.
  • Consultation; we were simply not given the chance to say "NO" to the event a year ago.  By not consulting us a year ago, this has deprived us of some quality lycra-bashing time.
  • Informed; we were not informed.  This may seem strange as for us to be outraged we must have been informed, but no one has questioned this to date so use it.
  • For profit; the companies running the show will make a profit.  In these small communities we work on a barter-based economy and profit is not allowed.
There are other concerns (animal welfare, elderly etc.) but they can't be taken up by the masses, so if not personally affected you can leverage the above grievances.

We should stress, at least externally, that this is not "anti-cyclist" but that doesn't mean we can't have some fun.  Rule 2 can flow freely and we can discuss the merits of; placing diesel / slurry on the road, letting loose livestock, parking in the street, use of barbed wire, piano wire, nails etc. etc.

Monday, 13 August 2018

Rule 21: Every silver lining has a cloud

They say "no news is good news" but any news is bad news when it comes to cyclists and therefore any event can be referred to in terms of cycling disruption.

Take recent "fall on your knees and rejoice" news that a road had re-opened.  Brother Colin was straight in there with "good news for cyclists - very popular with them".  This is an excellent invitation for further opinions such as "Oh no, they will be riding 5 abreast up there I bet"   (Rule 15 / Rule 4), or "I wish they would pay road tax" (Rule 10) in a scenario that would have otherwise passed without comment.

Thursday, 9 August 2018

Rule 20: Picture that

No social media post would be the same without embellishing it with pictures to make your point.  When it comes to ridiculing the lycra there is no depths that you cannot sink to.  Want to liken cyclists to one of the most famous child abusers of all time?  No problem, upload at your leisure as we can see from this fine example posted in the CCB.
Other examples of the work on the CCB is to post overweight people writhing around in lycra for the pure purpose of our own amusement.

Monday, 6 August 2018

Rule 19: Motorcycle Emptiness

A point of clarification that not all two wheeled users are the same and we should distinguish between cyclists and motorcyclists.  It is confusing we admit; the same number of wheels, lyrca and leather have a similar sound but there are some notable differences.
  • Motorcycles can go quite fast so are unlikely to hinder our very important journeys in our cars
  • The users of motorcycles are bigger then their lycra-clad cousins and therefore more likely to defend themselves when using Rule 16 or 17
Therefore, steer clear of any interactions with motorcyclists and focus on the real enemy.

Tuesday, 31 July 2018

Rule 18: Back chat

It is well documented in the CCB on instances where the cyclist launches into a verbal attack shortly after they have been overtaken on a corner while you sound your horn to let them know they should not be there. 
This has been justified, by those in the lycra-circle, as been induced by an increase of adrenaline from being in a "near death" experience.  This should be discounted, as it is out fault the cyclist chooses to wear flimsy lycra in stead of a couple of tonnes of steel. 
Again, please report this abuse in accordance with Rule 6.

Monday, 30 July 2018

Rule 17: Leave no stone unturned

A person walking or driving about our fine village are beyond suspicion; on two wheels that person is a threat to our way of life and we should be diligent.  That is why we, the KOCs, are here to enquirer what they bloody hell they are playing at and / or advise on what they should be doing i.e. be somewhere (anywhere) else.
Take Sister Joan on seeing some cyclists on the road, she "delicately" enquired why they were not using the cycle path between Ewhurst to Cranleigh.  Sister Joan does not need to know where they were coming from or going, the cyclists need to understand there is a path there. 
Please note any impolite response must be reported back in accordance with Rule 6.

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Rule 16: Drive by shouting

Cyclists have made accusations that drivers shout abuse at them as they drive towards them.  This is of course a ludicras accusation, as with a combined passing speed of about 45-50mpg all the cyclist would hear is "WAAN" or "YOU KAH".
Therefore, no KOC should admit to performing such an act as it would a) potentially give the cylist sympathy in social media and b) is of no interest to other KOCs.  Should the cyclist repond with a hand gesture or otherwise, this must be reported in accordance with Rule 6.

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

Rule 15: Law of precedent

Rule 10 describes the indisputable facts that cyclists cannot use the road, this is enshrined in law and can only be argued by the most brainwashed of lycra.  There are however further laws of the road that are breached by all cyclists, and should be called out regardless of whether you have seen this activity.  You call it out because it is so.
These activities are namely; riding on pavements, jumping red lights, going the wrong way on one-way streets, going the wrong way around round-abouts and ignoring pedestrian crossings (not an exhaustive list).
This was illustrated so brilliantly by Ian Collins when on the BBC.  Here is a man who also works for LBC radio along side Nigel Farage and once with Katie Hopkins.  A man of sound mind.  Take note KOCs!

Friday, 20 July 2018

Rule 14: Lycra out

The role of the KOC is not purely to highlight the error of the cyclists' ways but also to offer (nay demand) possible solutions.  One of these is of course to attack the very soul of a cyclist and change the clothing.

Therefore at some point, although no less than 10 posts in, it should be highlighted that all cyclists should wear high visibility vests and / or number plates.

This is of course a punitive measure and we could equally demand our brethren of Loxwood wear flowerpots on their head when walking their dogs on pavementless lanes... or their dogs wear stilts to be seen... but we can't simply allow cyclists to wear what they want while freely choosing to cycle on our lanes.

Thursday, 19 July 2018

Rule 13: Questions, questions...

No question is too silly when discussing cyclists' perverse use of the road.  A recent example of the CCB was "Why do they wobble all over the road?"  An excellent question. 
The lycra-sympathiser will speculate it is to suddenly avoid potholes or somehow they are magically effected by the "wind" from an overtaking car.  We know different though, it is caused from absent-mindedness as they plot on how to ruin our use of the roads.
Such questions can then prompt appropriate answers from other KOCs to thus stimulate the discussion further.

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Rule 12: No observation is too small

Remember, those-in-lycra are a ticking time bomb of inconvenience and so no observation is too small.  For example a KOC recently contributed "I see them unload their bikes in the Sainsbury's car park". 
Now, while it isn't the Sainsbury's car park but run by the authority so anyone can park there if they pay and display regardless of if they shop in Sainsbury's or not is besides the point.  What are they doing, parking and depriving KOCs of both parking spaces and bike free roads?   Did they cycle against the flow of the car park? Did they park on Market Day?  All questions that should stimulate further cycle based discussion.

Tuesday, 17 July 2018

Rule 11: There, their

There.  Their.  They're.  Three words of mystery that allegedly have a purpose, but the KOC does not need to trouble themselves with such details.  Use them as you see fit, and if you are wrong (unlikely) one of those pedant-pedal pushers will be quick to point this out.  Better they spend time doing this than ruining Market Day.

Monday, 16 July 2018

Rule 10: The killer blow

On occasion, a lycra-apologist will make their way into a healthy one-sided discussion on the epidemic that are cyclists (see Rule 1).  There are a few facts that act as kryptonite to them as they cannot argue with them, and they are;
  1. They don't pay road tax
  2. They don't have insurance
  3. They don't have number plates
Boom.  Take that you Tour de France wannabe!  If you don't have those, you can't use the road, FACT.  Other facts may be available but you should road test these first.  If you can imagine Big Daz or Super Baz nodding sagely down the pub when you say it, you are on the right lines.

The lycra-lout may try and dispute these facts with "facts" of their own.  These are to be disregarded out of hand as something they have probably made up just to continue ruining our day both on the road and now on the online super-highway.

Saturday, 14 July 2018

Rule 9: Freedom of the press

The good people of the local press are there to report news of local events, and can freely do so; but it doesn't hurt to steer them in the right direction.  Take the news of an event in June, where it was reported "Market-day chaos in Cranleigh as residents say cyclists were 'rude' and 'intimidating' in charity ride". 
In the initial aricle they lycra-apologists tried to play this down as being only a handful of the louts.  A month later of successful deployment of Rule 7) we have the perfect "Council seeks future reassurance on organised events after charity bike ride 'chaos' in Cranleigh".  Chaos.  CHAOS.
We can safely assume the truth is now out there, and they were all hooning around ruining our sacred day.  Well done KOCs.

Friday, 13 July 2018

Rule 8: Sign of the times

Seemingly every week arrows will appear, defacing trees and signposts, that mock and taunt us; whispering the words "THEY'RE COMING...". 
This is evidence of cyclists marking their territory as they plan to invade Cranleigh and the surrounding areas, and should be considered an act of war.

At the first sighting of such an arrow, this must be reported to the CCB for the following to happen;
  • The organiser of the event to be identified in order for angry emails to be sent before, during and after the event
  • KOCs to share their past experiences of these events
  • KOCs to share what they anticipate will happen at these events, which should be no less than armageddon
  • KOCs to be ready and vigilant when they run the gauntlet of mixing with the lycra-louts on the identified day
The heightened awareness this post brings means that no lycra activity should go unnoticed.  This was exhibited by Sister Sharonn and Brother Gary who reported back how they took the fight to the streets, bravely tooting their horn at two cyclists riding two abreast.  Did they ride single file? "Did they heck!!!!"

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Rule 7: Market Day

Market Day is a sacred day in Cranleigh.  A wonderful day where KOCs should be able to wander, unhindered, between stalls looking for free tasting samples, say something agreeable, promise to come back later and then never do. 
The mere presence of lycra in or around Cranleigh on this day of holy days should be considered an attack on the free world.  Who do they think they are?  They can't possibly walk away from a stall, balancing free overpriced chutney on a rice cracker, at the required speed in their clickety-clack shoes they wear.
On Market Day there is a dispensation to Rule 6, in that the 24 minutes commences upon leaving the Market Area so to allow sufficient evidence gathering time.  No point posting half baked comments;  the CCB will need details of how the entire day was ruined.

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

Rule 6: Time is of the essence

If a doctor hears of a nasty side effect brought about by a prescription medicine, they have just 24 hours to report it as a matter of life or death.  Controlling our streets is simply more important than that, and as a KOC you should report back to the CCB within 24 minutes.
The clock starts ticking the moment you part company, so on leaving Cranleigh be sure you have a social media enabled smart phone.
The encounter should recalled from the point at which the lycra-lout deviated from what you believe to be correct road use, up to and including existing.  Any wrong doing on the part of the KOC that led to this interaction is of no interest to the members of the CCB, and probably highly unlikely to have happened anyway.

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

Rule 5: Don't forget Rule 1

No matter how reasonable a lycra-sympathiser may be on the CCB, they still respresent the tight-side and their views should be dismissed out of hand as pure folly.

Rule 4: The formation

The true extent of the callousness of any cyclist is how many abreast they chose to cycle in.  This must be quantified in all sightings.  The formula for reporting to the CCB is n+1, where n is the number of actual cyclists present regardless of formation.  Thus, a pair of cyclists riding single file should be reported as three abreast.