Rule 18: Back chat

It is well documented in the CCB on instances where the cyclist launches into a verbal attack shortly after they have been overtaken on a corner while you sound your horn to let them know they should not be there. 
This has been justified, by those in the lycra-circle, as been induced by an increase of adrenaline from being in a "near death" experience.  This should be discounted, as it is out fault the cyclist chooses to wear flimsy lycra in stead of a couple of tonnes of steel. 
Again, please report this abuse in accordance with Rule 6.

Rule 17: Leave no stone unturned

A person walking or driving about our fine village are beyond suspicion; on two wheels that person is a threat to our way of life and we should be diligent.  That is why we, the KOCs, are here to enquirer what they bloody hell they are playing at and / or advise on what they should be doing i.e. be somewhere (anywhere) else.
Take Sister Joan on seeing some cyclists on the road, she "delicately" enquired why they were not using the cycle path between Ewhurst to Cranleigh.  Sister Joan does not need to know where they were coming from or going, the cyclists need to understand there is a path there. 
Please note any impolite response must be reported back in accordance with Rule 6.

Rule 16: Drive by shouting

Cyclists have made accusations that drivers shout abuse at them as they drive towards them.  This is of course a ludicras accusation, as with a combined passing speed of about 45-50mpg all the cyclist would hear is "WAAN" or "YOU KAH".
Therefore, no KOC should admit to performing such an act as it would a) potentially give the cylist sympathy in social media and b) is of no interest to other KOCs.  Should the cyclist repond with a hand gesture or otherwise, this must be reported in accordance with Rule 6.

Rule 15: Law of precedent

Rule 10 describes the indisputable facts that cyclists cannot use the road, this is enshrined in law and can only be argued by the most brainwashed of lycra.  There are however further laws of the road that are breached by all cyclists, and should be called out regardless of whether you have seen this activity.  You call it out because it is so.
These activities are namely; riding on pavements, jumping red lights, going the wrong way on one-way streets, going the wrong way around round-abouts and ignoring pedestrian crossings (not an exhaustive list).
This was illustrated so brilliantly by Ian Collins when on the BBC.  Here is a man who also works for LBC radio along side Nigel Farage and once with Katie Hopkins.  A man of sound mind.  Take note KOCs!

Rule 14: Lycra out

The role of the KOC is not purely to highlight the error of the cyclists' ways but also to offer (nay demand) possible solutions.  One of these is of course to attack the very soul of a cyclist and change the clothing.


Therefore at some point, although no less than 10 posts in, it should be highlighted that all cyclists should wear high visibility vests and / or number plates.


This is of course a punitive measure and we could equally demand our brethren of Loxwood wear flowerpots on their head when walking their dogs on pavementless lanes... or their dogs wear stilts to be seen... but we can't simply allow cyclists to wear what they want while freely choosing to cycle on our lanes.

Rule 13: Questions, questions...

No question is too silly when discussing cyclists' perverse use of the road.  A recent example of the CCB was "Why do they wobble all over the road?"  An excellent question. 
The lycra-sympathiser will speculate it is to suddenly avoid potholes or somehow they are magically effected by the "wind" from an overtaking car.  We know different though, it is caused from absent-mindedness as they plot on how to ruin our use of the roads.
Such questions can then prompt appropriate answers from other KOCs to thus stimulate the discussion further.

Rule 12: No observation is too small

Remember, those-in-lycra are a ticking time bomb of inconvenience and so no observation is too small.  For example a KOC recently contributed "I see them unload their bikes in the Sainsbury's car park". 
Now, while it isn't the Sainsbury's car park but run by the authority so anyone can park there if they pay and display regardless of if they shop in Sainsbury's or not is besides the point.  What are they doing, parking and depriving KOCs of both parking spaces and bike free roads?   Did they cycle against the flow of the car park? Did they park on Market Day?  All questions that should stimulate further cycle based discussion.

Rule 11: There, their

There.  Their.  They're.  Three words of mystery that allegedly have a purpose, but the KOC does not need to trouble themselves with such details.  Use them as you see fit, and if you are wrong (unlikely) one of those pedant-pedal pushers will be quick to point this out.  Better they spend time doing this than ruining Market Day.

Rule 10: The killer blow

On occasion, a lycra-apologist will make their way into a healthy one-sided discussion on the epidemic that are cyclists (see Rule 1).  There are a few facts that act as kryptonite to them as they cannot argue with them, and they are;

1. They don't pay road tax
2. They don't have insurance
3. They don't have number plates

Boom.  Take that you Tour de France wannabe!  If you don't have those, you can't use the road, FACT.  Other facts may be available but you should road test these first.  If you can imagine Big Daz or Super Baz nodding sagely down the pub when you say it, you are on the right lines.


The lycra-lout may try and dispute these facts with "facts" of their own.  These are to be disregarded out of hand as something they have probably made up just to continue ruining our day both on the road and now on the online super-highway.

Rule 9: Freedom of the press

The good people of the local press are there to report news of local events, and can freely do so; but it doesn't hurt to steer them in the right direction.  Take the news of an event in June, where it was reported "Market-day chaos in Cranleigh as residents say cyclists were 'rude' and 'intimidating' in charity ride". 
In the initial aricle they lycra-apologists tried to play this down as being only a handful of the louts.  A month later of successful deployment of Rule 7) we have the perfect "Council seeks future reassurance on organised events after charity bike ride 'chaos' in Cranleigh".  Chaos.  CHAOS.
We can safely assume the truth is now out there, and they were all hooning around ruining our sacred day.  Well done KOCs.

Rule 8: Sign of the times

Seemingly every week arrows will appear, defacing trees and signposts, that mock and taunt us; whispering the words "THEY'RE COMING...". 

This is evidence of cyclists marking their territory as they plan to invade Cranleigh and the surrounding areas, and should be considered an act of war.

At the first sighting of such an arrow, this must be reported to the CCB for the following to happen;

• The organiser of the event to be identified in order for angry emails to be sent before, during and after the event
• KOCs to share their past experiences of these events
• KOCs to share what they anticipate will happen at these events, which should be no less than armageddon
• KOCs to be ready and vigilant when they run the gauntlet of mixing with the lycra-louts on the identified day

The heightened awareness this post brings means that no lycra activity should go unnoticed.  This was exhibited by Sister Sharonn and Brother Gary who reported back how they took the fight to the streets, bravely tooting their horn at two cyclists riding two abreast.  Did they ride single file? "Did they heck!!!!"

Rule 7: Market Day

Market Day is a sacred day in Cranleigh.  A wonderful day where KOCs should be able to wander, unhindered, between stalls looking for free tasting samples, say something agreeable, promise to come back later and then never do. 
The mere presence of lycra in or around Cranleigh on this day of holy days should be considered an attack on the free world.  Who do they think they are?  They can't possibly walk away from a stall, balancing free overpriced chutney on a rice cracker, at the required speed in their clickety-clack shoes they wear.
On Market Day there is a dispensation to Rule 6, in that the 24 minutes commences upon leaving the Market Area so to allow sufficient evidence gathering time.  No point posting half baked comments;  the CCB will need details of how the entire day was ruined.

Rule 6: Time is of the essence

If a doctor hears of a nasty side effect brought about by a prescription medicine, they have just 24 hours to report it as a matter of life or death.  Controlling our streets is simply more important than that, and as a KOC you should report back to the CCB within 24 minutes.
The clock starts ticking the moment you part company, so on leaving Cranleigh be sure you have a social media enabled smart phone.
The encounter should recalled from the point at which the lycra-lout deviated from what you believe to be correct road use, up to and including existing.  Any wrong doing on the part of the KOC that led to this interaction is of no interest to the members of the CCB, and probably highly unlikely to have happened anyway.

Rule 5: Don't forget Rule 1

No matter how reasonable a lycra-sympathiser may be on the CCB, they still respresent the tight-side and their views should be dismissed out of hand as pure folly.

Rule 4: The formation

The true extent of the callousness of any cyclist is how many abreast they chose to cycle in.  This must be quantified in all sightings.  The formula for reporting to the CCB is n+1, where n is the number of actual cyclists present regardless of formation.  Thus, a pair of cyclists riding single file should be reported as three abreast.

Rule 3: Three's a crowd

Not forgetting Rule 1, all cyclists are evil, the number of cyclists dictate the level / intensity of direction they must receive via the CCB.  When faced with reporting news of a large group , it is often worth opening with "I don't mind the lone cyclist or someone commuting to work" first, to give the oncoming justice to appear more rounded.
This does give the same impression as "some of my best friends are cyclists" but no one will believe that a) you have befriended a cyclists or b) cyclists have friends.
The optimum number of cyclists in a group (or "murder of cyclists") is defined by the formula as n-1, where n is the actual number of cyclists observed.  The preferred value for "n" is of course 1.

Rule 2: Death is too good for 'em

No view is too extreme and comments such as placing diesel in the path of a known event or calling them "the cancer" of Cranleigh should be the norm.  No KOC should criticise such posts, leave that to the lycra-sympathisers. 
A KOC does not need to endorse via a "like" but such views should be applied liberally to maintain Rule 1 in high regard.  Physical violence, such as hitting them with your car or jumping out and giving them a good old fashioned thump in the face, should be mentioned frequently whether you intend to or not.  If a frenzy of posts results in direct KOC action, this shall not be spoken of in the CCB.

Rule 1: They're all the same!

"There all rude and most have no road savvy, that’s why drivers hate them!!" as Brother David puts it, and while he meant "they're" this is the cornerstone of what we believe in.  All roads lead to Rule 1.  You can play around with this and say "They (are) always are rude", "They’re bloody annoying" or even "Cyclist(s) are nonces" but what is impoartant is that they are all the same nuisance and must be treated as such.